Something is wrong…

Something is wrong…

That’s the feeling I’ve been walking around with for weeks now, and really, honestly for years. Something is terribly, awfully wrong and something horribly bad is just about to happen.

That’s what depression can feel like and what I’ve felt like for the last few months. I feel like something is wrong.

I go to the mall. Christmas is coming. I love Christmas. I love everything about it (except perhaps for the spending money I don’t have to finance it, but that’s no different than any other year). I love the lights and the decorations. The way everything is special. Everything changes. Even coffee cups change to look more festive and beautiful. I love it…I want to love it…but I can’t because something is wrong. There’s a gnawing, nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that radiates through my entire body telling me that horrible things are coming. Something is wrong.

Maybe I just need to go to the gym. I like the gym. I used to go all the time, and I still go fairly regularly. I’m there about three to five times a week and do an hour on the elliptical. Maybe just putting the music on blast and getting the blood pumping will help. I go…I want to enjoy it…I used to enjoy it…I’m still forcing myself to go because I feel like I’m just not trying hard enough. Studies say that exercise is good for depression don’t they? They do. Well there must be something the matter with me because for all the sweating I do, it hasn’t done bupkis for how I feel lately. I look around at the people there. They seem to be feeling better as they walk out the door…but I don’t…because something is wrong.

Maybe I just need a night out with the bestie. I have the best bestie in the history of besties. If there was an award for bff’s she’d win. Am I too old to use those terms? Meh. I don’t care. She’s mah bestie. J We go out for our weekly stroll around Costco and Walmart (I sometimes think if our teenage selves could walk into the future and see how excited we get over appliances they’d be deeply, deeply ashamed). We yak, we chat, we laugh. I try my best to be present in the moment with her but I’m never fully 100% there…because something is wrong. Something that feels like horrible, wretched guilt is eating away at me moment by moment. I haven’t done anything I need to feel guilty about, but there it is. And because of that I miss out on truly enjoying this night…because something is wrong.

Hey look! It’s my husband of fourteen and a half years. He loves me to pieces. He tells me all the time. We’ve had our ups and downs sure (after seventeen years total together it only makes sense) and we’ve survived it all and are closer than ever. We still get on each other’s nerves but he does lots of nice things for me…but I can’t fully enjoy or appreciate them, because something is wrong.

Did I mention I have two amazing kids? Yep. They’re fourteen and eight years old. They talk to me and I try to listen. I don’t feel like I ever fully do because as they talk, sometimes their voices fade out and the only thing I can think or feel is that something is wrong. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world and everyone in it. My children are getting older and I’m missing out on enjoying them the way I should…because something is wrong.

I wish I had better words to explain it, but that’s truly what it feels like for me, all the time. It feels like something is horribly wrong. No matter what is going on my brain just can’t see its way clear to letting me feel good. And all of those things I described above, those are on a GOOD day. During the bad days, forget it. I do crawl into that hole and say in bed for days, sometimes weeks.

So while I might look perfectly fine that’s quite far off the mark most of the time.

Yes I know others have it much worse. Somewhere out there is someone sleeping in a hut and using plastic bottles for shoes. But you know what? That doesn’t seem to help me feel better. It doesn’t make me feel better any more than it would cure me if I had cancer. It would be ridiculous for someone to say, “Oh you have cancer? Think about all those people who have no shoes. How dare you have cancer.”

And yet we pull this kind of bullshit on people who have brain disorders all the time. It sickens me.

Anyway, it’s 6 a.m. I haven’t slept. I’d like to sleep right now but I won’t fall asleep until I’m absolutely and completely physically exhausted. Why? Do I even need to tell you at this point if you’ve read all the way through?

Because something is wrong…

 

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Something is wrong…

  1. Good post, hon. That is exactly what it feels like. I feel the same. Like if I enjoy what I have too much, some strange force from the underworld will strike up and tear it all away from me. I can’t be seen to be too happy, and that’s an easy facade to put up when I really aren’t that happy.
    But you know you have an issue, and you know you need to work on it. I can’t offer any magical solution as I know as well as many with depression, that what works for one doesn’t necessarily work for the rest.
    Only thing I have to offer – try lifting weights at the gym. As much as i love my cardio days because that is what burns the fat, weights is what makes me feel empowered. I leave on a high because yeah, I just did that. I lifted that heavy ass bar and I pushed myself to get better. It’s a better outlet for pent up rage than an elliptical :).
    Any time you need, shoot me a message. I’m always listening.

    • Hi Max. Thanks for your comment. 🙂
      I did lift weights for a long time. I really should do it again for a number of reasons, but it had the same effect on my depression as the elliptical. Not really effective either.
      And I wouldn’t class it as, ‘an issue I need to work on’. I think a lot of the problem with mental illness is we still see it as a behavioral issue, even those of us who suffer from it have been duped into thinking that. I firmly believe it’s a brain issue. If it was a behavioral issue we needed to work on things would be a lot simpler. Thanks so much for your message. ❤

  2. Melanie

    Jessica. You just put into words what I have been feeling like too. Thank-you. You have just made me feel less alone right now. Thank-you.

  3. CJ

    Thank you for existing. Now I don’t feel like the only one. And that makes it a tiny bit better for a second.

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