In the three weeks since my father has passed away I think I would describe where I am right now as, ‘Lost.’ That’s the word I’d use to define this time in my life. I lost my dad, and I’ve also had to come to terms with the loss of another important relationship. That person is still alive, but I’ve come to the conclusion that people just are who they are. You can’t make them or wish them into something you want them to be. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t, you can’t make someone be proud of you if they aren’t, and you can’t force them to see your value and worth if they are blind to it. I’ve lived apart from this person for a number of years and in that time we seemed to get along, seeing each other now and then, and I was convinced that our relationship had mended. In reality what happened is that I was so removed from them that I forgot what they were, but there’s nothing like a crisis to remind you, and sadly, I was very much reminded. That relationship is effectively over.
Two losses in three weeks, and one is as profound as the other. My heart is absolutely broken. All I’ve wanted to do in the last few weeks is stay in bed and read. I’ve been lost in the world of books, reading about ten books in the past month, but haven’t done much writing. I’ve only just recently begun to edit another book that I hope to have out this summer, but it’s been slow going. Grief messes with your creativity in a very strange way. Sometimes it fills up all the space in your head until you can’t have any other thoughts. It wakes you up out of a dead sleep to remind you that it’s still there. It keeps you from doing your work. Writing makes me happy, but I just can’t seem to even want to be happy right now. Mainly what I’ve been craving is solitude. Too much of that is not good, I know, but I’ve always coveted my alone time, even when things are good. It’s just the way I am. In the times that I’ve gone out it’s been because I’ve forced myself, or my husband has gently nudged me to go.
Unexpected things are hard as well. I really didn’t realize how much of my life revolved around caring for my dad until he was gone. A simple trip to the grocery store is cause to be sad. It’s hard to walk by all the things I’d usually put in the cart specifically for him and leave them on the shelf. It’s also hard to come home and not see him in his chair. I’m not sure what to do with myself right now. People keep saying, ‘life goes on’. Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I know it goes on, but it’s forever changed now. Annoyingly there is also this belief that you shouldn’t be as upset for someone’s death if they were old. What the hell is with that? So, because he was here longer I’m not supposed to miss him as much? What a bunch of crap.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to even say here so I guess it’s a good thing this post is entitled, “Lost” because the entire thing pretty much is. I’m trying to get ‘back on track’, to return to some kind of normalcy or routine but I haven’t been able to manage it yet. I know I’ll get there at some point, but for now, I’m still really only interested in being left alone. So if you try to get in touch with me and it takes a bit of time for me to get back to you, I’m really not ignoring you or trying to be rude. I’m just in bed, reading.