I’m Still Here

Hey everyone! My apologies for taking so long between blog posts. I was looking at this the other day and realized I haven’t posted since July. I don’t have an excuse, but I do have a reason. That reason’s name is depression. Yeah, yeah. I know what you’re saying.

“Here she goes again with this whole depression/mental illness thing that she’s already talked about multiple times on here. Holy cow! Give it a rest woman!”

Hey, I get it. It’s a bummer to read about someone with depression if you’re not depressed. And if you’ve never experienced clinical depression you might even be saying that it’s stupid to feel that way. That it could be worse, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’ve heard it all before and I really wish I could just snap my fingers, think positive and change my perspective, but the truth is, I’m really struggling. I have multiple writing projects I should be working on. Usually, at least the writing is an escape, but right now I don’t even seem to have the motivation to do that. There are very few days of summer left and I feel to not get out into the nice weather right now is to waste a day. Today was a gorgeous day…and I couldn’t leave the house.

I tried.

I forced myself to get ready, but when push came to shove, I just couldn’t walk out the door. I couldn’t face it. I just kept thinking to myself: “What’s the point anyway? What’s the point of going outside? Everything is meaningless. All the things that people make a big deal out of – the way they look, their jobs, their families, their nights out or plans for the future – It’s all just utterly pointless because we are all going to end up dead anyway. Ultimately everything that we do or anything that happens to us, good or bad, is irrelevant. My existence and the existence of everyone walking around out there right now is useless.

Crazy right? But that’s really what I’ve felt like for a large chunk of the last few months. I’ve been fighting this war with my brain for so many years that I’m smart enough to know that this too shall pass, and my brain will start to function in a better way at some point. When that will be I don’t know. I just know that it will happen, because it always does.

So, my apologies for not updating. I’m just sitting here, waiting for my system to reboot itself and come back online. I’m sad. I’m bored. I’ve watched all two seasons of The Mindy Project (which I highly recommend). This needs to scat! And soon.