I Don’t Care

i don't care

If you’ve ever had depression you know not just the feelings of complete and utter hopelessness and sadness it gives you but the feeling of indifference. The lack of ability to care about anything can be just as debilitating as the deep dark sadness itself. I have things going on. Things that range from semi-important to crucial and I just don’t have the ability to care about any of them right now.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t want to care, it’s that I can’t. I know I should care but the depression has gotten to it’s all too familiar point of numbness. Depression really is different than sadness and I wish people would stop comparing the two. I know we are nowhere near that point but it would be nice if people would realize that if I could think my way around this I would.

It’s gotten to the point now where I am considering ECT once again. The first round was cut short due to the memory loss, but that seems to have resolved itself and, you know what? If I have to live with a bad memory to not feel like I’m walking around dead inside I’ll do it, because that’s just how I feel. Totally dead inside.

I’ve even researched a procedure called a cingulotomy. That’s a surgery where they take out a piece of your brain. Not sure if this would even be available to me here in Nova Scotia but again, if I have to lose a piece of my brain to feel halfway decent it might be worth it.

This feeling of numbness, hopelessness and despair every minute of every hour of every single fucking day is taking its toll. I can’t do the things I want and need to do. It was bigger things at first but now even little things seem like a monumental task. Showering, cleaning, playing with my son etc. All of these things I used to do feel like they are marathons now. Getting up every day is getting harder and harder.

Remember the scene from Star Wars where they are trapped in the trash compactor, grabbing anything and everything that they can to brace the walls that are closing in? It kind of feels like that, only I don’t have a Wookie or Han Solo to help me (not that they were of any use in the movie either). It feels like that with the exception of I’d just be standing there unable to care that I’m about to be squished.

Hopefully I can find a solution before someone takes out the trash.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “I Don’t Care

  1. Michelle

    My eyes fill totally with tears !! Tears because I truly understand every word you wrote. I too have looked into brain surgery. However there maybe hope of a trail surgery of a chip being put in around the part of the brain that controls the mood part of our brains. This has been done in B.C. for awhile and there is talk of it being done here. I told my Doc. I’ll sign up.
    Jess I hate when people say well think of happy thoughts.. Fuck if I could don’t you think I would be happy. People just don’t get it. If they did they would fill up with tears in their eyes knowing the pain one is going through . As I am for you my dear friend. It always seems to be a battle, a battle within our own body. Do people really think we want to live like this?? It hurts me to know others suffer also cause I know what it does to me.
    Big hugs ..

  2. DJ

    I understand. I have had the blues before, and happy thoughts help me out of them. I have also had months of depression. During those months,the best that happy thoughts do is get me to think, “yeah, whatever,” as opposed to, “that too? What’s the point?” Either way, I am left in a don’t care, doesn’t matter funk.

    The procedures you are talking about are extreme, but I would probably look in to them if my depression did not go away. I may get there at some point, but right now I am blessed.

    If there was something that I could tell you or some advice that would work,I would give it to you. But I know that it doesn’t help. All I can say is that I am praying for you. I hope you find something that works for you.

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